its hard! but now i can crawl.

i have realized this past week that being healthy around the clock is really hard. and i think its ok that we admit to ourselves that it is hard. i have been looking at other blogs to see what i should be eating and to see how you all do it. and i was amazed at how so many fitties (thats what i call all you tight bummed peeps) only eat spinach shakes for breakfast, yogart for lunch and a salad for dinner. that doesn't seem very fun....it seems really hard to me. but i will give you all major major kudos for being so strong and not having a food addiction: there is no over eating, over indulgance, splurging, or sweet snacks on your lips. i seem to always find something naughty and pop it into my mouth and then onto my tummy it goes and increasing my muffin top. so as i have realized that i need to make a couple changes to my everyday diet i am stumped at how hard the changes are. but nothing good is ever easy.:) so as i have realized its hard, i like to read and hear things that motivate me to keep on track. I would love to hear some of your inspiring stories or things that you do to keep you on track. each month i would like to feature someones special story. if you know of an inspiring story and would be willing to share it with the world wide web please leave a comment with you email.

for now i will share one of my own stories that i think is inspiring.

my twin girls now 11 months old are crawling all over the place. it has been fun and interesting to see them learn how to crawl. first they learn to get up on all 4's, then they rock back and forth, back and forth. they do this for days and days, and then suddenly slowly they try and put one hand in front of the other to move. it took a couple weeks for them to finally make the hand and mind connection to actually begin crawling. crawling seems like such a simple thing, but as my girls where figuring out how to put everything together it reminded me of a day when they were just 8days old....a day when i couldn't crawl.

i had been on 5months (thats 19wks, or 133 days) of complete bed rest due to a very complicated high risk twin pregnancy.(and by complicated i mean you name it...it went wrong, preterm labor, placenta concerns, cord flow, protein, lung development, high blood pressure, extreme nausea/vomiting blah blah...so glad that is over)  i was only allowed to walk the 14steps from my bed to the bathroom(yes, its 14steps, i counted them day after day) and i had showering privileges every other day. i couldn't make any meals for myself, i couldn't refill my own water bottle, i couldn't go outside, i couldn't even get up and get the remote if it wasn't by my bed, i couldn't have it.  it was hard....the list goes on.

thankfully i had a super amazing husband that did everything for me that i couldn't do for myself, even shave my legs, and comb my hair.:)i also had awesome friends that cooked amazing meals, and told me i looked ok and was doing great.(even though they knew i was a mess:) i tell you all this because little did i know as i layed in bed all day everyday for 133days straight i lost all my muscles. i have read that after 2wks of no or little use your muscles atrophy, and that is exactly what happened to me, i had no muscles left, none.
 finally the day came when the babies were delivered safely and i had freedom to move again. i could finally be self-reliant and do whatever i wanted!! but i couldn't. i really felt like i had to teach myself to walk again. my body hurt everywhere, my toes were even sore. the first 3wks after having the babies i couldn't sit or stand without help. and though the babies only weighed 5pounds my arms ached after holding them because i really didn't have the strength to hold them, let alone my own heavy body weight.

when the babies were 8days old, my mom was in town to help. she had left to go to the store, so i was alone with the babies and i had decided i would put some of the babies laundry away. i had a hard time bending down so i thought i would just sit on the floor, especially because i was so tired from all the sleepless nights. (the first 5months i averaged 2-3hr of sleep total a day. thats what happens with twins and with a husband in med school) --as i made my way to the floor i realized very quickly that getting to the floor was harder than i thought, and that there would be no way i could get up off the floor without help. i put the laundry away, and then sat there on the floor scared to death because i didn't know how i was going to get up. i took a couple deep breaths and slowly got on all 4's. then i rocked back and forth, back and forth, just like my babies did as they were learning to crawl. finally i had enough momentum to move forward. i cannot tell you how hard it was to just be on all 4's, to have to hold my own body weight up was overwhelming, and i couldn't believe how much of a struggle it was. i then gradually with 2big breaks in between made my way to the crib across the room and slowly pulled myself up. i was sweating, and out of breath, and crying. crying because i couldn't even crawl. the body that i had 9months ago was gone. not because of being pregnant, but because i had layed in bed and not used my muscles, and they had gradually disappeared over time. that day i realized that recovering from 5months of bedrest was going to be harder than i had ever imagined. that my body was not even strong enough to do everyday activities: walking, sitting down, standing up, carrying a baby, lifting my arms up, tying my shoes, combing my hair. i really didn't have any muscles to even care for myself. i was devastated. gradually muscles came back. when my sister was in town to help me with the babies i walked 2blocks and thats all i could do, and the babies were a month old. we went to v isit my in-laws out of state who have a 2story house, and i remember being so worried about the stairs. i was 8wks postpartum and it would be the first time i had walked up stairs in 7 1/2months. knowing how hard other minor movements had been, my husband and i debated how i should go about going up the stairs for the first time, or was i even ready? i was able to go up the stairs, taking one step at a time, and desperately holding onto the railing, but i did it. it was extremely hard and i can't tell you the burn in my quads from simply going up stairs.

so as i have watched my babies learn to crawl, watching them steady their own body weight and move, it reminded me of when i was re-learning how to crawl, and how hard it was to steady my much heavier body weight. and as i remember how weak and unsteady i was only 9months ago, i am inspired because i have to remember where i came from. (we all need to remember where we have come from.) i have an overwhelming wave of emotions when i recall the first 4months of my bedrest recovery, it almost feels like post traumatic stress.

i am not as fit as i was before bedrest, i am not as thin, or as strong before my bedrest experience, but i can move. i can crawl with my babies, and i can walk more than 2blocks, i can go up and down stairs, and i can sit and stand without any help. i can comb my own hair, and cook my own meals.  so i inspire myself by giving myself some slack, because it really wasn't that long ago when i couldn't move without extreme focus and muscle soreness. and i realize i can't take my body for granted, even if it doesn't look like the body i want. that this body of mine is all i'll ever get and that i am grateful for a body that can do all the things i ask of it and as hard as it is to get and stay fit, i know i can do it, because i have done much harder things before....and i'm sure so have all of you.